Thursday, July 27, 2017

FROM THE MALE MIND: DATING APPS

I am lucky enough to have close male friends who tell it like it is. Whether they're mocking my terrible fashion choices or helping me navigate through relationship problems, I can always count on them to give good honest advice. One of these brutally blunt friends is Mitch, a comedian and writer. Today he's spilling a man's opinion on dating apps. Enjoy!

Tinder, Bumble, and Plenty of Fish, the three amigos of online dating, have added a newfound dimension in the pursuit of love. Dating apps, also known as the vanguard of NSFW pics, have become as popular as actual real-life dating. It requires little-to-no effort and allows you to be as shallow as you want, the two guilty pleasures we can all get behind. I want to help you navigate the rigid seas of cyber-dating by giving you some quick tips from the male perspective.

Men choose quantity over quality. If you have a remotely hot first picture, you’re getting a right swipe. We will read your heartfelt bios after we match with you. Otherwise, we swipe right first, and sort through the matches later.

Transparency is key. I can tell when you are trying to hide something. I know all the tricks. Taking photos from the boobs up to look less fat. Standing on your tippy-toes to jut your butt out more. A Snapchat filter in every single picture to hide a lazy eye. Embrace your insecurities, we all have them. At 5’5”, I’m a borderline midget and I’ve got pictures with taller friends to show it. Some girls are into it, most aren’t. But at least I show it, so that if we actually end up going on a date they aren’t as surprised when they bend down to hug me. If you are serious about dating someone off an app, being honest and upfront will help you much more than being misleading or deceptive. 

State your intentions. Whether you are using the apps for fun, for love, or for some good old fashioned baby making, being upfront with your intentions will save everyone time and effort.

Don’t take it personally. These apps are shallow and entertaining. Some guys will say outrageous things purely out of boredom. If you’ve read my Bachelorette post, you would know. Sometimes the ridiculous attention grabber works better than a “what’s up?” As a guy, our main goal is 1) not to creep you out 2) get a response from you.

Almost every girl I swipe through has “take me on an adventure” in their bios, which means that you never should, for several reasons. 1) I don’t learn anything about you. 2) It makes me think you’re really boring because you can’t entertain yourself. 3) Why do you want to go on an adventure with a stranger you met online?! Your parents taught you better!

If you have a height requirement for your guys, don’t be surprised when a guy asks how much you weigh.

We like dog pictures just as much as you do.

Women, when you do have to initiate the conversation, say more than just “Hey”. Be engaging! Conversation is a two player game. No one likes one word answers.

Have fun! You are searching for love through a glowing screen while you are on the toilet! Don’t take everything so seriously. J



Want more advice? Have any questions? Ask/follow me on Twitter and Instagram: @mitchellvirzi
Also my brothers and I will be on ABC’s “The Gong Show” on July 27th at 10pm! Check it out!


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